All the Wrong Reasons

As I’ve been doing a lot of the work on me… not just work. Not just the surface stuff or the lighter kind of work where you do something that makes you feel good and you stop there. That’s actually what this one is all about, but I digress. I’ve been doing that deeper self-assessing work. The hard work you have to do to keep growing and make breakthroughs to be a better human. That kind of work that you look in the mirror sometimes and go, “Oh. Well… shit.” That kind of self work.

There are things I’ve been doing throughout my life and recovery. Good things. The right things. But I’ve done them for all the wrong reasons. I had a lot of motivation and really made some great accomplishments but there are always costs when the foundation you’re operating from isn’t solid. It reminded me of that age old saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

One of the things that I’ve realized is that I’ve spent way too much time looking towards the future to make up for the past. It’s a lot like this.

PAST – Mistakes. Horrible Decisions. Denying Humanity. Shame. Self-Loathing. I recognize this…. So I have to do something about it… like I can somehow suddenly change the past.

FUTURE – Promises. Balancing the Scale. Doing Good. Just Action. Self-sacrifice. The single point of failure here is that this is all centered around me.

Instead of doing the right thing out of a place of virtue and good morals I was chasing ghosts. Waving the flag of peace in the face of an enemy who had no interest in seeing it. While I was chasing the past with promises of the future I completely ignored the present. I lost the opportunities to participate in my own life, my own achievements, and in a way, a path to my own healing.

It’s one of those harsh lessons gained through that deep introspection. Those moments when you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Oh. Well… shit.” But I’ve done that now and the most important aspect of recovery is learning from those life moments and growing.

That’s left me in a place where I regularly check in, on more than just this, on a lot of different levels but with this, I’m assessing my motivation and making sure I’m not doing things for the wrong reasons. Is this thing that I’m pursuing for me, or is it for them? If it’s for them, is it robbing them of some type of personal agency or is it empowering?

Then there’s the concept of Control and the Power of Choice. The only things we really have control over are the thoughts in our heads and how we respond to external things. We have to make some choices with that. I choose to accept the things I don’t have control over. I choose to let things lie, I don’t have to respond, I don’t even have to engage with everything, that’s a choice. Most importantly, I choose to be here, to be present, to be engaged in the moment. With that, I choose to accept the past and let the future be what it will be.

Those are my choices.

Be present; do the right things, now, in this moment.