William Shakespeare is attributed to saying that “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism is expressed as “Desire is the root of all suffering.” Both of these concepts intertwine and have left myself and many others holding an expectation that isn’t met, which leads to frustration and anger.
It often times begins very innocently. I hold myself to this standard, this is what I would do, this is what should be done… so we universalize it to others. An expectation is born.
This is where I’ve struggled immensely over the years. I set this standard of what people should be doing based on an expectation of action. It’s normally something I’d do myself almost ritualistically. If you’ve read my post Control with Chaos you’ll know that I focus on the things that I can control to keep myself in check. Things I can control: an organized and clean space, making my bed, putting things away, personal hygiene, cleaning up as I cook and immediately after a meal, coffee set for the morning, etc. etc. etc.. Where I have failed in glorious fashion is that I came to expect others to do as I did. See where this is going…
We speak of setting ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and anger…. Let me tell you, I should be given an honorary PhD from the institute of higher education of your choice in that area. That’s exactly what I did for decades, I do this automatically so everyone else should. I expected it and then when it didn’t happen I’d go into a tirade because HOW DARE THEY NOT DO THIS!!! There is a clear expectation in my head. This is common sense in my reality. AND AND IT’S WHAT SHOULD BE DONE in my world. I’d get furious and allow it to ruin my day and steal my calm.
Once I recognized my epic set up for failure, I started to work on it. I’ve gotten a little better over the years. I started actually asking people in my life and around me to do things or let them know what I expected instead of expecting them to automatically know. That was better but if things weren’t done exactly right I’d get agitated. Following some self-examination and analysis I figured out the main underlying factor… having to meet a standard in a high stakes situation.
In the Marine Corps we trained to a standard. It was the infantry. We were in and out of combat zones. If the standard wasn’t met, Marines and Sailors could die. We trained to literally be prepared for those life or death situations where the wrong move could get people killed…. No pressure. That’s where it came from… and that understanding led to growth.
Understanding the roots of my expectation set up allowed me to identify when I was doing it, and then to remind myself that people are people, and people, well, they gonna people. Even if I kindly laid out my expectation, they may not meet it, or may not do it the way I expect, and that’s ok. I can’t control that. There really isn’t much I can control other than my actions, responses (or lack there of), attitude, and effort.
As I’ve put this into practice, while not perfect, I’ve found a hell of a lot more peace in my life. The angry response that’s always been so quick has started to dissipate. The ease of frustration has dwindled. The shrug and smile comes more often.
Let go of that expectation and allow yourself to experience some peace. You deserve it.
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