“Your past has given you the strength and wisdom, so celebrate it. Don’t let it haunt you.” ~Unknown
Over the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of self-assessment and trying to accept some aspects of my past. There are many things I wish I could take back or wish I would have done them differently. I’m consistently walking a line with regret on one side and gratitude on the other. With all the peers that I have worked with throughout the years, I’ve learned that I’m not alone with this, and that is definitely ok.
As I look back on some of my actions and inactions throughout the years I have been shifting my focus from the negative to the positive aspects of each experience. What did I learn? What did I take away? How did it change me? Do I still hold that lesson? Have I grown? All of these things have really helped me put things into perspective.
One of the biggest examples of this has to do with my service in the Marine Corps. Not all service members are what I would call “proud” of their service, as is my case. It was a conflicting experience that occupied the vast majority of my adult life and one that I am still coming to terms with. This has led me to inventory the good, the bad, and the ugly side of the institution and my role within it. As I’ve done this I continuously return to the good or the lessons from the bad and the ugly.
This morning, as I left the gym, I thought about a conversation that I recently had with a friend who often struggles to wake up for their own routine. Part of me wanted to give that tough love response of, “Just get up, just grab yourself by the bootstraps and go…” but I’ve learned a lot since my time in the Corps and I respect each person where they are and do my best to practice acceptance and kindness. So I gave some options revolving around being kind to themselves and maybe changing the routine to one that would be easier to stick with if that’s what they want. This is a far cry from how I would’ve reacted even two or three years ago, let alone five or six when I was still actively serving.
As I turned this conversation over in my mind I realized that two of the strengths I gained from a conflicted past are discipline and dedication. For me, getting up at 4am, having a cup or two of coffee, and then hitting the gym for a solid work out; it’s not really that challenging. I just get up and do it. There’s a couple things at play. I work out regularly to manage my chronic pain without all of the medications, and to manage my mental health. With that, it’s become a need that I have to fulfill if I want to stay well. It’s part of my Wellness Recovery Action Plan and it’s part of my routine. Thanks to my past, I have the discipline and dedication to meet those needs.
“There is a fine balance between honoring the past and losing yourself in it. For example, you can acknowledge and learn from mistakes you made, and then move on and refocus on the now. It is called forgiving yourself.”
~Eckhart Tolle
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