Positives…

Once again there is a gap in posts. Some of that can be chalked up to life, some of it has to do with me, and some of it boils down to not knowing what to write. As I sat in front of the blank landscape of my computer screen I struggled. I struggled to come up with the right words. I struggled to come up with a theme, or a title, or even an idea to express. The desire within was to give you something positive. To express within my words that no matter how negative something may appear if we just looked at it a little differently, we could see the positives.

In many ways, when we are at our weakest we find our greatest strengths. Over the years I’ve developed my own little mantra where I tell myself and others that we’re 100% successful at overcoming every challenge we’ve ever faced and the proof is that we’re right here in this moment. Recently, I’ve had to repeat that mantra to myself more often than I care to admit.

Life has happened, things have changed, and I’m left to forge my path in a new way. It has not been easy. The stress of it all has taken it’s toll and has impacted my liveliness. And yet. Here I am. In this moment. Right here. Right now.

So there is strength. There is resilience. There are things I’ve discovered about myself, areas of success and some areas where I’m still facing challenges. And yet. I’m still here. As I type these words I’m infused with more confidence that I’ll overcome these challenges as well; I know I will.

One of the many reasons for this blog and a tenant of peer work is to be an example to inspire hope in others. Part of this is done through telling our story. It’s the idea that I can meet you where you are right now and relate to you because I’ve been there. That I can serve you in the capacity of offering hope. Hope that it WILL get better. Hope that you’ll see you’re strong and resilient. Hope that you’ll find a passion for life that you’ve been searching for. Hope that you’ll recognize the beauty in each breath.

That’s a tall order just for sharing my story.

Recently, my story hasn’t been so positive. I’ve been struggling. A lot. The things I’ve done in the past aren’t as effective. The ways I coped just don’t work the same way. The stress of it all makes it harder to sleep, the added stress and lack of sleep increases my symptoms, and then the things I’ve done so well in the past work less, and less. Then frustration builds because I make a point of doing all these things right to stay on my path of recovery but there’s little relief. It’s like I had figured out this mathematic equation and by some obscure theory in physics I should get the same result every time. Every. Single. Time.

But that’s not how this works. I’m not some algebraic formula. I’m a frustratingly complex and infuriating contradiction in terms. In that lies the strength, the beauty, and the blueprint to overcoming this challenge. Only this time. I’m not going to do it alone. I’ve reached out to those I love to talk about it and I’ve gone back to therapy.

The truly magnificent thing is that up until a week or so ago I would’ve seen that last sentence as an indication that I’m going backwards. That the downward spiral was accelerating. That’s not the truth though. That’s the self judgment and self loathing from my past. That’s compiling all the challenges and not seeing the positives that have gotten us to this moment. That’s not looking for the strengths in ourselves.

For me, there’s strength in recognizing that I’m not ok. There’s strength in seeing I need some help with this one. There’s strength in asking for help. There’s hope in knowing I’m not alone.

There’s strengths in the positives. You have them too. We all do.

Until next time; Suspend Judgment on yourself and look for your strengths in the smallest positives.

Here you are. Right now. In this moment. You’re Strong enough to overcome this.