This is always a tough one to discuss because it’s said in a condescending way so often. When you’re lost within your own abyss and you’ve embraced that; it’s hard to just change things.
All too often I heard,
“If you just get up and do this or that.”
“It’s not that bad. People have it worse.”
“Just pick yourself up by the boot straps.”
The list seems endless.
It’s all very belittling when you’re in a position where if breathing was a voluntary function you wouldn’t do it. That feeling is very hard to relate to someone who hasn’t been in that position; which reinforces the feelings of self loathing and loneliness that we shroud ourselves in.
The truth is it does start with you. It started with me and what I was willing to do, no matter how small. It starts with a willingness to change.
I served with a particular Navy Corpsman who had a chip on his shoulder. You see he spent the majority of his career with the Marine Corps Infantry and is the perennial badass. Multiple combat tours, promoted because of it, an expert in his job, would put any Marine in their place (that’s a big deal in a grunt unit), commanded your attention, and most importantly earned your respect. We call guys like that “Doc”. It’s a title steeped in tradition and honor. Within the Marine Corps infantry our Docs are protected and cherished. Those are the guys that risk everything to save us and hold a special place in our heart.
This guy though, he was having some problems. He was battling his demons and he was losing. Once again he was forced to sit in front of a counselor. The military is great at trying to force you to get help. It doesn’t matter if you want it or if you’re ready for it… “It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again.”
So there he was. Sitting across from this woman who had no idea what she was talking about. She couldn’t possibly know what he was going through, what he’d been through, she’d never been there. She’s just some kid who spent time in school without getting any experience. No way she can help me.
But deep down he wanted help, he was tired of who he’d become.
They had the normal intake. The normal questions with the normal answers. Then she tells him what he needs to do very specifically. She tells him to increase his water intake to a set amount, to decrease his daily alcohol intake to a set amount, to exercise for at least 30 minutes 3 times a week, and to try to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. He scoffed at her request and said that wasn’t possible.
“Then I can’t help you.”
Becoming irate he went off about how it was her job to help him. That she had to do what she was being paid to do. Knowing him I’m sure there was a colorful tirade of epic proportions. When he was done…
“I cannot help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.”
“I cannot help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.”
Please read that again, and again, and again.
There is a simplistic truth in that. You have to be willing to make a change and help yourself. There’s an old saying my grandparents say, “You can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” There is no difference in beginning a journey of recovery.
You have to be willing to make some changes. You have to be willing to help yourself. There isn’t a magic pill. No one can do it for you.
Recovery has been and always will be solely about you. YOU.
That’s where it starts.
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