Today is World Suicide Prevention Day set by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. It’s also Suicide Prevention Week and September is National Suicide Prevention Month. So I thought it may be an appropriate time to share a little bit about me.
CAUTION: The remainder of the content may contain difficult material. Please care for yourself while reading.
One of the tenants of being a Peer Recovery Specialist is that we inspire hope by virtue of our story. While I’ve have some significant achievements as of late, it wasn’t that long ago that I was barely hanging on. For those of you who aren’t as familiar with my story, I am an attempt survivor. I’m probably one of the most fortunate people around because I spent a significant amount of time living with active ideation and I completely denied it. I didn’t want to live anymore but I just couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. There was this thread to my two girls that just kept me hanging on. However, I had a ridiculously fast motorcycle which I rode with reckless abandon. How I never became a red splatter along a North Caroline or Virginia highway, I’ll never know. In a moment of clarity I sold the bike but still had multiple firearms. Thankfully, in that moment, I survived.
The real work came after surviving. I had to take an active role in me, in my life, with what I needed, and demand that. I got creative too. Everyone said do yoga, it’ll be great! I did yoga and for some reason it made me angry, extremely angry. Eventually, I stumbled across hot yoga where it’s like Iraq on a summer evening in the room, and you have to hold an unnaturally bendy position for a nearly impossible amount of time while not slipping in your own sweat and face planting in front of a room of people. I was so focused on not leaving an imprint of my face on the floor that I didn’t have the ability to hang on to my anger. My service dog became a key tool to keeping my sanity in public and finally being able to get a couple hours of sleep at night. I wrote. I read. I brewed beer. Somewhere along the line I began to talk to people and walk with others on their own path to recovery.
During all this I worked through therapies and therapists. This was especially challenging at times due to the “Treatment Failure”, “Treatment Resistant”, and “Challenging Client” labels consistently placed throughout my medical record. To this day, I’m not sure how I failed a treatment. In all honesty, I would’ve preferred if they had put “This guy is an asshole” on my record, I could accept that more readily than “Treatment Failure”. I advocated. I screamed. I yelled. And… I cried. I cried a lot. After eight years of numbness, the emotions came flooding back and I often felt overwhelmed with feelings that I couldn’t put a name to and didn’t know how to react.
Each and every day I focused on getting through. Staying in the here and now and working on me. I celebrated the small successes and began to surround myself with people who were more positive, supportive, and non-judgmental. Time went by, I had ups and downs, and throughout it all I learned more and more about myself. Sometimes the things I learned weren’t easy and other times the things I learned were extremely rewarding. The one thing that I can tell you. I can promise you. That if you keep moving, you’ll find your hope. You’ll learn to live with whatever has gone on and you’ll find that love of yourself again. And while you’re looking for that love… surround yourself with those who can hold on to hope for you. I spent a long time going through the motions, but I had a couple people close to me that just kept encouraging me. They had hope when I didn’t, so if you don’t see it, don’t give up.
If you need to reach out and you don’t know where to start, try the Crisis Text Line. In the US, text HOME to 741741. You can also check my In Crisis page.
For those of you who are reading this that know of any resources please leave a comment with the resource, I’ll check the blog consistently over the next couple days to approve them quickly. If it’s state or locality specific just let us know where, if it’s national or international also let us know. Together, we can prevent suicide.
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